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Sep. 3rd, 2006 @ 11:41 pm (no subject)
Oh and if anyone wants the simple translation of my last entry it's this: I'm 16 months out of school and I'm in a shitty job because I haven't pursued a better one and I'm lonely because I don't make an effort with friends or in dating. I haven't been on a real date in ... like three years and I haven't slept with someone in about a year and a half. So I'm a wee bit upset with myself mostly. Where I am is the product of my actions, but changing your station is harder than whining about it. I may as well have written "I'm sad, someone do a fucking dance to make me happy. And if it's not too much, find a girl and a job while you're at it. I want it all to be mine without putting forth any fucking effort." I suck.

Oh yeah, and I'm getting fat. Another piece of evidence I've built up to support my insecurities.
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my head
Sep. 3rd, 2006 @ 11:20 pm Self-Nurturing Depression
So what's worth more? social success and intimacy or honesty and emotional disclosure? I suppose as in all things one extreme or another is unhealthy. (Do you ever write something something that is lost in the effort to express it? I hate that). I feel like I'm not really close to anyone and I'm acidic to everyone. Also, I'm a lethargic failure. And realistically, who would want to deal with someone who is a self-described lost cause? What I really want is success and love and all I have to offer is my insecurities and anger. I see myself being swallowed by this horrible fate and hoping someone will step in and intervene. Save me. Not only will this not happen, it can't come from without. It has to be me. And I understand that, but how do I do it? Heather (my boss at Valleyfair) would say it is the product of willpower. Willpower is what causes people to succeed and to change their lives. Just change your life. Just do it. Pick a spot on the map and go there.

I see people like Molly and Megan reaching out to me, being really nice human beings while in subtle ways, beneath the vineer of my socialization, I am a crummy human being to them. I say mean things without meaning them. Everything I do is half-assed. I might scrape by but it's not me ... remember when Hellen Keller's dad said "cleanliness is next to godliness" and the tutor berated him for wanting his daughter to merely not be a nuisance (okay, I'm probably mis-remembering, but run with me ...) I've got the cleanliness (the socialization) but beneath it I'm an asshole. I'm a frayed, ugly human. I'm the twisted product of my own insecurities and the pampering of my culture. I've had everything handed to me, I've had tons of opportunities and after it's all said and done, I choose to rot. I choose to let it all fall apart and pity myself like a pathetic idiot. I feed myself evidence to support my pessimism and support my self-destructive habits. How can I escape? Just do it? Nobody ever lets it all go. Nobody ever lets themself decay into stupid despair. So who could understand me?

LOL ... I must be writing this as a plea for attention. I want you guys to step in and say "I know what you're going through, and everything can be okay." I'm asking for help. But more often than not, I'd turn it down anyway. Dammit I'm a loser. I'd never commit suicide because I'm too scared by death, but sometimes I think death is the only way out for me. That I've failed and the sooner it's over the sooner I can stop feeling insecure. The sooner I can stop failing.

Just in case you're reading this being frustrated with me, I can understand that. I'd probably be pissed at me and abandon me as a friend. I dunno if that means you ought to abandon me, but I wouldn't hold it against you anyway. Crap. I'm going to bed now.
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my head
May. 24th, 2006 @ 12:33 pm Life or something like that ...
No, your eyes do not decieve you, I *am* posting a blog. I generally abstain because I don't imagine anyone wants to read the details of my life, but what the hell - I have this account, right?

So what is happening my people? I myself am currently working two jobs and singing in two semi-professional groups. I draw caricatures at Valleyfair (and whatever I want when nobody's looking), I sell shirts and ties at Marshall Fields (I have no soul, I know, but I *do* have heath and dental) and I sing. I also eat and sleep and have other biological functions, which, frankly, I find more interesting than the job thing, but I don't assume everyone's like me :P

What else ... I'm trying to read more again (a constant battle) and am tackling "The History of Western Philosophy." I'm only about 75 pages in, but it's interesting. A bit dry, but it's funny how relevant things the Greeks thought about is today. It's also funny how superstitious and irrational they were. Most people hold them in such high regard, but it's nice to see they were silly humans too. Many thought all things were composed of one element or another (earth, wind, fire, water ... by your powers combined! ...)

Yeah, that's all.
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my head
Jan. 29th, 2006 @ 08:16 pm (no subject)
Only a dude would parody all of these geeky kid-culture characters. But it's still hillarious ... to a geeky dude. Anyway, I just found it and laughed. Thought I'd share: http://albinoblacksheep.com/flash/showdown#start
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my head
Jan. 27th, 2006 @ 06:05 pm I win!!
They put my TMNT picture up on the official site: http://www.ninjaturtles.com/html/contest.htm
Also check out my entry from several years ago: http://www.ninjaturtles.com/html/fanart/fanart52.htm

BIG improvement. I'm happy :)
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my head
Jan. 22nd, 2006 @ 12:50 am I guess I need a pizza and a moustache


Your Inner European is Italian!









Passionate and colorful.

You show the world what culture really is.


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my head
Jan. 19th, 2006 @ 09:24 pm Batgirl III

Okay, this is the last Batgirl for a while ... I promise ... I don't promise not to post more comic related stuff though.

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my head
Jan. 19th, 2006 @ 03:36 pm Batgirl #2

My last one was a pretty straight ahead redesign. Nothing too daring. But drawing a buff badass girl is a challenge. Mine used to always turn out mannish. But no more. I give you Badgirl:

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my head
Jan. 18th, 2006 @ 11:11 pm Batgirl

Hi.

I'm actually not dead. This may upset and dismay some of you. You have my apologies.

Anyway, I doodled this Batgirl this afternoon. It is part of the trend thingie that was started by dryponder and himynameisjamie. It's in newspapers and everything now. Pretty damned random how huge it got. I'm actually not ON the bandwagon per se ... it's more like I saw the tracks and now I'm hopping in them.

Markers are fun ... bye-eee.

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my head
Dec. 4th, 2005 @ 03:47 pm Temporary Job and Ninja Turtles

First I would like to apologise to a friend (actually two). I kinda derailed an entry on one friend's LJ by replying to the other friend's comment. I probably took what the second person had to say the wrong way or a little too seriously.
I think it's good to be open and honest, but sometimes nobody benefits from me blabbing my opinions. Anyway, apologies; I'm sure you know who you are.

*phew*

So, apparently department stores love me. I broke down and applied a few places with mixed results, but Herbergers and Marshall Fields wanted me back and MS eventually took me on as a permanent employee. Perhaps it's nothing to gush over, but I think it's a significant achievement to get a permanent position during the holiday season. I must have answered their in-depth multiple choice test correctly. (ex: If you saw a person acting suspicious, would you A. wait for them to do something wrong and confront them? B. tell a manager? C. watch them and notify security on the phone? or D. don't be so suspicious?") So I'll be working in shirts and ties. I worry that I'll get stuck there, but I'm not *that worried. I am still pursuing what I love, and I'm still getting freelance experience working for EEBA (www.eeba.org) So that is that. I will FINALLY have money starting a week from Friday.

Also, I drew this picture of the Ninja Turtles and I like it. I wanted to make them look more like actual turtles and I like it a lot. I hope you all do also. Well, that's it for now. Oh wait, I should note - the Ninja Turtles originally each had a red bandana. It wasn't until the cartoon that they came up with the different colors. ... Okay. Now I'm done.

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my head